Monday, April 26, 2010

Gutted

This morning I dreamt that I slept in the the hollowed-out crest of a hill, close to the stars stuck to blue felt. At one point, I stood up to replace a star who'd lost his way.

When I turned back to my rest, a great, yellow and green-eyed tiger was rolling about, scratching up and stretching my blankets. Several other smaller cats, lynxes, leopards, and lemurs, crawled about, sniffing the area. Their whiskers quivered, and they watched me, waiting for my response.

I walked backwards to my house, turned and ran at the last few steps. I burst into my parents' bedroom, and found Father away from his bed. I could see his legs under the half door of the bathroom.

"Father," I yelled, "there's a great tiger about to come kill us!"

"All right, all right," he moaned. "I'll be there in a moment."

I could hear the tiger in the kitchen, pulling out drawers, banging cupboards closed, looking for a knife.

"Mother," I cried, "stand behind me. This is the end!"

Father emerged from the bathroom, and he stepped out of himself, so that one of his person stood over by the window, gun in hand, looking bored. His other, grey self came and wrapped his arms around Mother and me.

We could hear the tiger clawing at the door, rattling the knob. The foundations of the house shook and the door combusted in quiet smoke.

The tiger stood there, looking like a disfigured man who filled the space of the door. His head looked bloated, his features had come loose and wandered about his face. But his yellow-green eyes pulsed and bulged from their sockets. He took a fish fillet knife in his fist and began to carve out his left eye.

And I awoke.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

What happened?

I think I've lost track of everything I set out to do,
because everything I wanted
(but never looked for)
came and found me,
came and found me and came
to overtake me.

If this is the one thing
(my everything)
I set my mind to,
let it be for you
for you
for you.

And that's how I'm doing. I don't really know what's going on in my life right now, because it's all "petals on a wet, black bough," as Ezra Pound would have it. It's a great, hurried, beautiful blur, yet I somehow find the energy to focus in on the important details.

This is definitely not where I saw myself ten years ago. It's beautifully better and more real than those young dreams. Being a teacher and a musician is a bit like being Indiana Jones--minus the whip, though most days I wish I could use one in class. At 3:30, I take off my glasses and turn on the amp.

Sometimes I feel the strain of the stretch--like Bilbo said, "butter scraped over too much bread." Throwing myself into two creative avenues is more than consuming, it's exhausting. But I don't care. I'm feeling reckless, and I think it's okay. I think I'm blessed to be able to do everything I love, when I wasn't even looking for either. So, I'll keep on doing it as long as the Lord lets me. If I fail, I'll fail well. Otherwise, I fly.